The Pleasures of Being a LadyPosted: March 2, 2011
The Good: Wearing Pink. Painting our nails. Playing with make-up. Not participating in PE because of menstrual cramps (which worked for me, until I realized that no one has “lady cramps” for three weeks in a row). No age-limit on having a sleepover. Drinking mixed drinks out of a straw.
The Bad: Shaving our legs. Plucking our eyebrows. Actually having menstrual cramps. Being taller than the boys in grade school. Bad hair days.
The Ugly: THE LADY DOCTOR!!
Christ Almighty, it’s that time of the year, friends. What a way to start my day. TMI? No – I’m not giving you a blow by blow. Most of you have probably been there, anyway. It’s a female bonding topic, no?
Let’s start by saying that the word “stirrups” is echoing in my head and it grosses me out.
I curse my lady parts the entire commute to this appointment. Why, damnit?! Why?!
True story: The first time I went to The Lady Doctor, I was sweatin’ it (which is normally what I do in all nervous situations.) I thought it would be a good idea to break the ice with some humor. So when she started doin’ her thang I said: “What? You’re not going to take me to dinner first?” She said: Nothing.
Painful Awkwardness: 1 Colleen: 0
Since the crude-humor approach didn’t work, I just shut my mouth and said Hail Marys until it was over. I had never felt so violated in.my.life. This episode has been burned into my brain and, thus, I still geek out over The Lady Doctor.
I also think it’s terribly awkward that she tries to talk to me about normal things while she’s “working.” How’s school? She’ll ask. Please remove that giant metal instrument, and then I’ll talk. Is what I’ll be thinking when I respond Peachy.
Am I being a diva? Maybe. But I know you know what I’m talking about.